Is He or Isn’t He


I don’t really know the direction this blog is going to go today.  All I know is that I feel the need to write one.

There are so many things going on, so many decisions, choices, issues, situations that my brain feels like it is going to explode.  My emotions are all over the place–one minute I am happy, laughing, full of joy and the next I am angry, yelling, carrying on like a crazed women. If none of that is going on I am sad, crying, afraid and wondering what is going to happen tomorrow.  Yet through all of this there is one constant presence – God!

There are days I wonder if He is truly here with me and there are days when there is absolutely no doubt He is with me.

During those times when I wonder about His presence I truly do try to focus, quiet my mind, open my heart–I get down on my knees and try to pray, try to form words that make sense, try with every ounce of my being to “talk” to God. Most often it is a loosing battle or so it seems. Slowly the panic subsides, the fear and anger are gone and in its place are calming words:

“I will carry your burdens”

“I will never leave you”

“I know the plans I have for you”

“I will provide”

“I am here”

“I love you”

There are  times when I know God is with me because I can feel it, see it, hear it – experience it.  I see it in the actions of my family in Christ. I know it when I am afraid we won’t be able to buy the life-saving medications for my husband and God opens a door and it is provided.  I hear it in music, messages and conversations with others.

Today is one of those days where I border on ” is He or isn’t He present”. Logically, spiritually, faithfully I know He does! It’s the stubborn, control freak, worrier, needs-to-know,  person that lives inside my head that is causing the issues.

Having said that, this is how I will spend my day,

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.  Psalm 105:4

Love and blessings,



Reaching Out Isn’t So Easy


What an interesting couple of months it has been. Talk about a rollercoaster ride. I never did like them. The slow creeping movement upwards…the anticipation of reaching the top with the dread of knowing what is to follow. That sudden gut wrenching, stomach dropping, heart-in-your throat feeling when it finally happens.. you fall hard and fast. You know it is coming, you anticipate it, you expect it…yet in the end you are still stunned by it. Nothing you do can prepare you for it. Maybe you have a “freak-out” moment or maybe you hang on so tight your hands won’t release the bar that is holding you in or maybe, just maybe you have a moment of clarity and realize this is ok, I’m going to be ok because this is what is suppose to happen and when I reach the bottom I am not going to crash and burn, but surprisingly you arrive safely at the bottom only to be swooped back up and heading back to the top.

This is what my life has been like these past few months. Up, down, Up, down…never really know in which direction I am heading on any particular day. Some days I feel the slow calm climb to the top and know everything is going to be ok. Other days I am racing to the bottom, knowing that any second I am going to crash and burn.

This past Sunday, Pastor Scott Moore talked about how when someone is on your mind and you pray for them, drop them a line, give them a call do something to let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. I feel that is important and necessary. But lets look at the same concept but in reverse.

When I am struggling or when I am drowning in a raging ocean why do I pretend or attempt to give the perception that all is just ducky in this sad little world of mine? Why is it easier to reach out and pray for others and so difficult to reach out and simply ask……

Will you pray for me?

Falling to my knees


For several months now I have been doing what I needed to do to get by. Let me rephrase that. I have been doing WHAT I THINK I needed to do to get by.  Then I as usual I went to church this past Sunday and had the pleasure of hearing Pastor Greg Miller give the message at Eastridge Community Church. Not sure, but I think he has been ease dropping into my life!

Each day I wake up and say,  “Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it”. The only problem is that I very seldom stick to that plan. My intentions are good, but intentions only get you so far. Needless to say I didn’t rejoice nor was I glad.   At every turn I felt myself pulled into the direction I shouldn’t be going.  Each night I would say prayers. I asked for forgiveness for my sins both known and unknown. I asked for forgiveness for not being obedient. I asked for forgiveness for not staying in His Word… in the truth.  I ASKED for forgiveness…

This has become a vicious cycle for me. Yet every moment I feel myself being pulled in the wrong direction, my heart is saying one thing willing my body to do the “right” thing, yet my brain turns off and for some reason I close my ears to my heart and do what I want. Right now I suppose someone is asking “And how is that working for you?”… the answer is ya..not so much.

Pastor Greg spoke of falling on our knees and REALLY owning our sins, REALLY asking for forgiveness.  This got me to thinking, well no– that’s not right… His words struck me like a brick. Like I said, I think he must have been ease dropping in on my life.  I took Pastor Greg’s challenge. I wept, I sobbed, I felt humiliated, I felt humbled, I felt sadness, I felt happy, I felt loved, I felt peace, I felt anguish, I felt anger, I felt empty, I felt full.

This morning when I woke up before my feet hit the floor. I said, “This is the day You have made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it” and I meant it then and I mean it now.

Daily I must listen to my heart.

Daily I must surrender.

Daily I must fall to my knees and weep.

Been Way To Long


It has been way to long since I last posted here. As the name of my blog indicates, I am walking in faith, but I keep tripping and tripping is what I have been doing lately. Tripping and falling flat on my face.

The past several weeks I have been out of sorts. Couldn’t seem to pin point the exact reason, but feel like there are several that threw me into my old habits. The familiarity of the battles raging inside, in a weird sort of way, brought comfort. Yet at the same time, I knew…. I KNEW I was heading toward a path that was all to familiar, but was NOT the path I needed to go down.

I struggled to stay in God’s Word…..basically I DIDN’T stay in His Word. I avoided it because every time I read it I was convicted.   I struggled to spend time, any time, in prayer unless it was for someone else who was in need. Terrible Yes! I know!

I missed my devotional time, I missed my conversations with God, I missed being in His Word and having those AHA moments.

Not sure what or who  it was that shoved me back over to the right path but I am extremely grateful.  My biggest mistake was trying to get through it alone. Not reaching out to my friends or my church family, but instead trying to face down the demons on my own.  I do NOT recommend this for a new believer… it doesn’t work!



Arrogance is as Arrogance Does


Just finished reading Romans 4 the other day and what spoke to me from this chapter was Romans 4:6-8,  of course in my typical scripture reading practice I then followed that up with reading the application part in my NIV Life Application Bible.  Can I just say as I read the words I had a tad bit of trouble reading because of the brick that flew up and smacked me right between the eyes!

Here is what Romans 4:6-8 says: David says the same thing when he speaks of the blessedness of the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:  Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is  the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.

Here is what the application part says:  We must remember that Jesus is willing and able to forgive every sin.  In view of the tremendous price he paid on the cross, it is arrogant to think that any of our sins are too great for him to cover. Even though our faith is weak our conscience is sensitive, and our memory haunts us. God’s Word declares that sins confessed are sins forgiven.

Here it is in a nutshell. I’m arrogant. I have been arrogant. I will probably be arrogant again and again and again. My issues, my fears, my sins are mine. Within myself they are big, HUGE even. Though if we were to do a side by side comparison (which is almost impossible) to let’s say yours they may not compare. You see, these “things” in my life are very real to me. They are my reality and to me they seem like nothing can compare. Another person’s “things” on paper may not seem as big as mine, but to them they are real and they are huge. And yet if we compare them to another person’s “things” mine may seem simple, minuet or less serious.  I guess what I am trying to say is that to each of us, our personal baggage is big, huge, heavy and we should never discount anothers baggage.

It hit me as I read Romans 4:6-8  that yes, I was, am and probably will be in the future extremely arrogant about my “issues”.  How dare I! Really, how dare I be so arrogant to think that my burdens are so huge that they are just to big for Jesus to handle. How dare I be so arrogant to think that King David committed all those sins and yet he fell to his knees and prayed for forgiveness and received it, yet my own sins are so big that Jesus can’t handle them. How dare I be so arrogant to think that many others in the Bible in the TRUTH have committed sins, many sins, some not as big as mine, some bigger, yet Jesus was able to take them and forgive those who committed them, but mine are so tremendous that He could never forgive me.

Am I so arrogant to believe that Jesus can not forgive me. That He can’t possibly carry my HUGE baggage?

So now that I have had this revelation about my arrogance what exactly do I do now?

Every morning I thank Jesus for taking my heavy load and carrying it for me. As each day goes by on this journey of mine, I feel the weight being lifted and my burdens becoming lighter.  I can stare down my past without the anxiety and the pain taking over. I am learning to embrace my past, my sins, my stains. I am beginning to understand that I wouldn’t be here, now, without them.

Every evening I thank Jesus for taking my heavy load and carrying it for me. I pray for forgiveness for my lack of obedience, my neglect of others, my shameful thoughts, my sinful acts.

Jesus’ blood was shed for me. Jesus’ blood was shed for you.  Are you so arrogant that you think your sins are to big for Jesus to handle?  I don’t know about you, but I am done with that way of thinking.  I would rather have the feeling of peace in my spirit knowing that Jesus’ is in control than to let myself control my spirit–because I am really bad at that! Jesus does it better than I do!

Love and Blessings

Shadows – We All Have One


When starting a new job, most of the time, new hires are paired with a seasoned employee. Someone that knows the ins and outs of the business and the daily workings that make the business run smoothly. The new hire follows the employee around, seeing how to run the copier, work the phones and voice mail system. They see how to interact with other employees, departments, customers and vendors. The new hire watches, listens, mimics and eventually aspects of the job begin to sink in and they are slowly weaned from their trainer. This technique is called “shadowing” and is a very common training tool for new employees and a very successful one if and only if the new employee is open minded, accepting of doing things differently, learns the jargon, studies the manuals, watches carefully and asks questions. It also helps that the trainer knows his or hers stuff!

As a new believer I have to admit, I thought I could do this on my own; after all I grew up going to church. I knew the basic ins and outs of it all. Pray, sing hymns, give a bit of my time, go to church on Sunday, drop some change in the offering basket and call it good. I can handle this.

Ya…..not so much.

I quickly realized that there was absolutely no way I could do this alone.  I still can’t do this alone and I certainly won’t be able to do this alone in the near future nor in the far future. To put it bluntly– I am NOT meant to do this alone.

First, I have been welcomed into a loving, caring, nurturing church family.  Second, I watch, listen and ask the questions (ok, I ask the questions sometimes). Third, I have the ultimate trainer, the absolute best in the business and man oh man what a difference it makes.

Currently I am participating in a church-wide study called not a fan. This morning’s exercise we were instructed to picture ourselves following Jesus during our morning routine.  Watch Him as we went about our morning tasks. Seeing how He responds, how He reacts.  This had a profound affect on me this morning as I realized that, (gulp) I am not the most pleasant person first thing in the morning.  It is move away, make a wide path, and protect yourself… here I come.  I so DID NOT see Jesus acting like that this morning.

So I made a decision. I am taking it one step further. I have chosen to shadow Jesus all day long. Walking behind Him. Surrendering to Him and letting Him walk in front me, lead me, show me, teach me, explain to me, and guide me.  Every step I take I try to place my foot in His footprint.  There are times
my foot misses the mark. There are times when I start to go off course and I
see Him, turning to look at me with that “Hello!?!?.. over here!!” kind of look.  But Jesus is not condemning, He isn’t shaking a finger at me telling me I am a fool or I am doing something wrong. Jesus is not finding fault with what I do or not do. He is teaching me. He is showing me.

I don’t want to be a fan. I don’t want to merely be a believer. I don’t want to go through the motions.

I want to be a follower. I want God’s will to be done.

So, I choose to follow closely behind. I choose to shadow my teacher.

Love and blessings,