Is He or Isn’t He

I don’t really know the direction this blog is going to go today.  All I know is that I feel the need to write one.

There are so many things going on, so many decisions, choices, issues, situations that my brain feels like it is going to explode.  My emotions are all over the place–one minute I am happy, laughing, full of joy and the next I am angry, yelling, carrying on like a crazed women. If none of that is going on I am sad, crying, afraid and wondering what is going to happen tomorrow.  Yet through all of this there is one constant presence – God!

There are days I wonder if He is truly here with me and there are days when there is absolutely no doubt He is with me.

During those times when I wonder about His presence I truly do try to focus, quiet my mind, open my heart–I get down on my knees and try to pray, try to form words that make sense, try with every ounce of my being to “talk” to God. Most often it is a loosing battle or so it seems. Slowly the panic subsides, the fear and anger are gone and in its place are calming words:

“I will carry your burdens”

“I will never leave you”

“I know the plans I have for you”

“I will provide”

“I am here”

“I love you”

There are  times when I know God is with me because I can feel it, see it, hear it – experience it.  I see it in the actions of my family in Christ. I know it when I am afraid we won’t be able to buy the life-saving medications for my husband and God opens a door and it is provided.  I hear it in music, messages and conversations with others.

Today is one of those days where I border on ” is He or isn’t He present”. Logically, spiritually, faithfully I know He does! It’s the stubborn, control freak, worrier, needs-to-know,  person that lives inside my head that is causing the issues.

Having said that, this is how I will spend my day,

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.  Psalm 105:4

Love and blessings,

Barbarajean

Reaching Out Isn’t So Easy

What an interesting couple of months it has been. Talk about a rollercoaster ride. I never did like them. The slow creeping movement upwards…the anticipation of reaching the top with the dread of knowing what is to follow. That sudden gut wrenching, stomach dropping, heart-in-your throat feeling when it finally happens.. you fall hard and fast. You know it is coming, you anticipate it, you expect it…yet in the end you are still stunned by it. Nothing you do can prepare you for it. Maybe you have a “freak-out” moment or maybe you hang on so tight your hands won’t release the bar that is holding you in or maybe, just maybe you have a moment of clarity and realize this is ok, I’m going to be ok because this is what is suppose to happen and when I reach the bottom I am not going to crash and burn, but surprisingly you arrive safely at the bottom only to be swooped back up and heading back to the top.

This is what my life has been like these past few months. Up, down, Up, down…never really know in which direction I am heading on any particular day. Some days I feel the slow calm climb to the top and know everything is going to be ok. Other days I am racing to the bottom, knowing that any second I am going to crash and burn.

This past Sunday, Pastor Scott Moore talked about how when someone is on your mind and you pray for them, drop them a line, give them a call do something to let them know you are thinking of them and praying for them. I feel that is important and necessary. But lets look at the same concept but in reverse.

When I am struggling or when I am drowning in a raging ocean why do I pretend or attempt to give the perception that all is just ducky in this sad little world of mine? Why is it easier to reach out and pray for others and so difficult to reach out and simply ask……

Will you pray for me?