Falling to my knees

For several months now I have been doing what I needed to do to get by. Let me rephrase that. I have been doing WHAT I THINK I needed to do to get by.  Then I as usual I went to church this past Sunday and had the pleasure of hearing Pastor Greg Miller give the message at Eastridge Community Church. Not sure, but I think he has been ease dropping into my life!

Each day I wake up and say,  “Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it”. The only problem is that I very seldom stick to that plan. My intentions are good, but intentions only get you so far. Needless to say I didn’t rejoice nor was I glad.   At every turn I felt myself pulled into the direction I shouldn’t be going.  Each night I would say prayers. I asked for forgiveness for my sins both known and unknown. I asked for forgiveness for not being obedient. I asked for forgiveness for not staying in His Word… in the truth.  I ASKED for forgiveness…

This has become a vicious cycle for me. Yet every moment I feel myself being pulled in the wrong direction, my heart is saying one thing willing my body to do the “right” thing, yet my brain turns off and for some reason I close my ears to my heart and do what I want. Right now I suppose someone is asking “And how is that working for you?”… the answer is ya..not so much.

Pastor Greg spoke of falling on our knees and REALLY owning our sins, REALLY asking for forgiveness.  This got me to thinking, well no– that’s not right… His words struck me like a brick. Like I said, I think he must have been ease dropping in on my life.  I took Pastor Greg’s challenge. I wept, I sobbed, I felt humiliated, I felt humbled, I felt sadness, I felt happy, I felt loved, I felt peace, I felt anguish, I felt anger, I felt empty, I felt full.

This morning when I woke up before my feet hit the floor. I said, “This is the day You have made and I WILL rejoice and be glad in it” and I meant it then and I mean it now.

Daily I must listen to my heart.

Daily I must surrender.

Daily I must fall to my knees and weep.

Arrogance is as Arrogance Does

Just finished reading Romans 4 the other day and what spoke to me from this chapter was Romans 4:6-8,  of course in my typical scripture reading practice I then followed that up with reading the application part in my NIV Life Application Bible.  Can I just say as I read the words I had a tad bit of trouble reading because of the brick that flew up and smacked me right between the eyes!

Here is what Romans 4:6-8 says: David says the same thing when he speaks of the blessedness of the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:  Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is  the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him.

Here is what the application part says:  We must remember that Jesus is willing and able to forgive every sin.  In view of the tremendous price he paid on the cross, it is arrogant to think that any of our sins are too great for him to cover. Even though our faith is weak our conscience is sensitive, and our memory haunts us. God’s Word declares that sins confessed are sins forgiven.

Here it is in a nutshell. I’m arrogant. I have been arrogant. I will probably be arrogant again and again and again. My issues, my fears, my sins are mine. Within myself they are big, HUGE even. Though if we were to do a side by side comparison (which is almost impossible) to let’s say yours they may not compare. You see, these “things” in my life are very real to me. They are my reality and to me they seem like nothing can compare. Another person’s “things” on paper may not seem as big as mine, but to them they are real and they are huge. And yet if we compare them to another person’s “things” mine may seem simple, minuet or less serious.  I guess what I am trying to say is that to each of us, our personal baggage is big, huge, heavy and we should never discount anothers baggage.

It hit me as I read Romans 4:6-8  that yes, I was, am and probably will be in the future extremely arrogant about my “issues”.  How dare I! Really, how dare I be so arrogant to think that my burdens are so huge that they are just to big for Jesus to handle. How dare I be so arrogant to think that King David committed all those sins and yet he fell to his knees and prayed for forgiveness and received it, yet my own sins are so big that Jesus can’t handle them. How dare I be so arrogant to think that many others in the Bible in the TRUTH have committed sins, many sins, some not as big as mine, some bigger, yet Jesus was able to take them and forgive those who committed them, but mine are so tremendous that He could never forgive me.

Am I so arrogant to believe that Jesus can not forgive me. That He can’t possibly carry my HUGE baggage?

So now that I have had this revelation about my arrogance what exactly do I do now?

Every morning I thank Jesus for taking my heavy load and carrying it for me. As each day goes by on this journey of mine, I feel the weight being lifted and my burdens becoming lighter.  I can stare down my past without the anxiety and the pain taking over. I am learning to embrace my past, my sins, my stains. I am beginning to understand that I wouldn’t be here, now, without them.

Every evening I thank Jesus for taking my heavy load and carrying it for me. I pray for forgiveness for my lack of obedience, my neglect of others, my shameful thoughts, my sinful acts.

Jesus’ blood was shed for me. Jesus’ blood was shed for you.  Are you so arrogant that you think your sins are to big for Jesus to handle?  I don’t know about you, but I am done with that way of thinking.  I would rather have the feeling of peace in my spirit knowing that Jesus’ is in control than to let myself control my spirit–because I am really bad at that! Jesus does it better than I do!

Love and Blessings
Barbarajean